Guilty
by Kiva
Summary: this fic deals with the emotions after Alexs death.I hope you enjoy, feel free to R


This is for my sister, who was a big Alex fan, and was devastated when they killed his character. It's not really an 'Alex' fic, but it deals with the emotions of his death. I hope this will make you feel better Lucy.

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Please note that these characters are not mine, I'm simply borrowing them for the duration of this story. This is set just after 'Departure'. As I haven't seen season 3, I don't need 

to tell you that I have no idea where the season is going to go. I know this may have been done before, but I thought I'd give it a go. Don't hesitate to let me know if you like/dislike this. Enjoy………..

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It was a cold and stormy night in Roswell. That suited Max fine. It matched his mood, when he thought about it. The mood that had been with him since that day in the desert. The day everything had gone so wrong. 

He looked at his reflection in the mirror. His mouth twisted into a half smile. 

Truthfully it had gone wrong before that, but that was the day he had learned that everything he knew was a lie.

Rather than dwell on that, he decided to continue to get ready. Tonight was going to be bad enough as it was, he didn't need these thoughts swimming in his head. 

Aware that was a false hope, he moved to the closet to grab a sweater, before grabbing his jacket and moving to the door.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Liz looked at herself in the mirror. She was nervous. Tonight would be the first time they had all been together in a while. Not since………

*No*, she mentally censored herself. *That isn't what tonight is about. It's about remembering the good times. *

With that in mind, she put the final touch to her lipstick, turned around and asked, "How do I look?"

Maria , who was lounging on Liz's bed looked up. "You look great Liz. As usual."

Liz looked at Maria closely. She was so laid back lately, it was almost worrying. Until you factored in the reason for her new attitude. *One word*, Liz thought to herself. *Michael*

Ever since the day Maria had discovered that the reason Michael had exited the Pod Chamber was

because he couldn't leave her, Maria had been so relaxed. She had come to the conclusion that if he couldn't leave her then, that he never would. It had also

occurred to her that there were flaws in her plan, but she hadn't wished to examine them too closely. She didn't understand Liz's anxiety. 

Liz stared down at her best friend. She decided to put her fears into words. "Maria, you know that day, when Tess left." Her voice caught slightly at the mention of _that_ name. Maria's sudden look of disgust and anger gave Liz her answer.

"Haven't you noticed that none of us can stand to be around each other?"

*There*, she congratulated herself. *I said it. *

Maria looked confused. "But Liz, we have been around each other. We still have school remember. But, I might add happily, not for long."

Liz sat down on the bed. "But that's just it, Maria. Even at school, have you noticed how we can barely even look at each other? It's like………we're falling apart and we can't stop it."

Maria moved closer to Liz. "I thought you and Max were…you know, okay to move on. I mean, you hugged outside the Pod Chamber, he borrowed my car so he could drive you home that night…"she trailed off.

Liz thought back on that night. "Yeah Maria, but you weren't there. We were silent the whole trip, and when we got there he was so …._polite", _she finished up.

Maria stood to look at the mirror. "Yeah, well Liz, I didn't think that was a crime", she smirked.

Liz let one shoulder drop, and answered." I didn't mean it like that Maria. I just meant that…it's like we're all feeling too much guilt, and anger, and all this other stuff. And it's preventing us from being friends." She glanced down at her hands. "I've already lost one friend Maria. I don't want to lose the others."

Maria turned to her friend. The pain of 

losing Alex was still fresh to everyone. But Liz was right. They should be banding together now, not pulling away. She moved over to Liz. Pulling Liz up and into a hug, she said, "It'll be okay Liz. Tonight, we'll talk, and we'll laugh, and we'll cry. But we will come together Liz. So stop worrying, and lets get downstairs, okay?"

She looked into Liz's face, clearly waiting to be answered.

Liz smiled at her. She replied "Okay", and allowed herself to be pulled from the room.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The storm still raged on outside. As Max and Isabel entered the Crashdown, they had to squint their eyes at the sudden brightness. The others were all there, waiting. They looked up at the alien's arrival, but averted their eyes quickly. All except Michael who came over and gave Isabel a quick hug. He wasn't usually one to show his emotions like this, but he felt that Isabel could do with the support.

He nodded at Max, who returned it, and then all three went to find a seat. As they were seated, Max noted to himself the seating arrangements. The three aliens, opposite the three humans. He smiled grimly to himself. *That couldn't be more true lately*

He noticed that the Sheriff -- ex Sheriff really, but what was he going to call him, Jim? It didn't seem right.

The Sheriff sat at one of the stools next to the counter. He had been undecided as to whether or not he should come, but one look at the uneasy expression on his sons face, and he was glad he had.

Kyle had told him about what Tess had done. What Kyle had witnessed. He would never forget the expression of utter devastation on Kyle's face as he relayed the details. He was going to be there for Kyle tonight. Whatever Kyle needed him for.

Liz was gathering her thoughts. She knew what needed to be said, she just couldn't work up the courage to say it. It was easier before. When she had spoken her doubts about Alex's death, it had been somehow easier. She was doing that, rather than focusing on the pain. Now she had faced it, accepted his death…she couldn't bring herself to lead on this one.

She focused instead on the others. Maria was sitting next to her, hand joined with Michael under the table. They were the only ones capable of eye contact.

Kyle was next to Maria, seated at the edge of the booth, his body hunched over, as if he thought that if he made himself small enough, he could make everything go away. Her heart twisted in sympathy for him. It was _Liz_ who made him remember what Tess had done. It was necessary at the time to expose Tess as the killer. But seeing how it had affected him, she was racked with guilt. 

Her gaze slid past him and centred on Valenti. He was watching Kyle with love in his eyes. Obviously upset that he could do nothing to comfort his son. Liz thought about how devastated he himself must feel at Tess's betrayal.

She turned her gaze to the opposite side of the booth. 

She saw Isabel, who was following Kyle's example, and was slouched low in her seat. She looked miserable, and Liz didn't blame her. She felt the same. 

Next to her, Michael was expressionless. That is until you look into his eyes. His eyes shone with love, directed at Maria. Maria had told Liz that she and Michael had…consummated their relationship. But that they had decided to take things slow. Just because they did it once, didn't mean they were at it all the time. She still wanted to wait and take things easy.

Liz agreed that they should do things that way.

Her gaze then focused on Max.

Max who looked so…sad. It was the only word she could come up with. He glanced up and caught her eye. And in that instant she saw all the pain that he held. He quickly looked down. But Liz was shaken. She had no idea he was suffering that badly.

Just then, Isabel broke the silence. "I have to get out of here. I can't do this, not now." 

The words were enforced when she got up, and motioned Michael out of the way. He moved, as did Max, who followed Isabel out with a mumbled apology. No one tried to stop them. 

Michael looked longingly after them, knowing he should go to them. Maria seemed to understand, and told him he should go. He gave her a grateful smile and ran after them. That left the humans. 

Kyle stood and said his good nights. He had football practice in the morning, and offered this as his excuse. As he and the Sheriff left, Maria looked at Liz, who told her it was okay to go. She told Maria how it had been too soon to attempt this, but that they would again. They said their good nights, and then Liz was alone. She stood there undecided for a long time. Then, she got the CD player and put on some music. It was Beth Orton, the same song she had put on the night she got her first proof that Alex hadn't killed himself. As the music played, she let the tears come, and wished for a time when things were good. A time before Tess and Nasedo, and alien books, and alien destiny's. A time before they had lost Alex…before they had lost each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She sat absolutely still. She knew she shouldn't be here right now. It was late, she was tired and it was generally a bad idea. But she had too. This was the one place Isabel still felt close to Alex. And she needed that right now. She arranged the flowers that she had brought with her. She made a mental note to apologize for _borrowing_ them from her mom later.

This was when he normally appeared. She knew deep down in the part of her that still thought rationally, that he wasn't there. He had died. But he was, and always would be, in her heart. She had promised him, or her version of him, that she wouldn't come here anymore, searching for him, desperate for his advice. It was a promise she couldn't keep. She stood , waiting for him. Here she was.

And so was he. He took his place beside her, and Isabel was grateful. Even if he was made up, or a figment of her imagination, she was very glad that he was here.

"I'm glad too, Isabel." 

She looked at him, startled. He smiled gently. "I'm you remember? I know how you're feeling, Isabel."

She turned away sharply. "No", she whispered. She forced her voice to sound stronger and said, "No! You _don't._ No one does."

She started to go, her earlier thoughts of the comfort this place held, completely gone. His voice stopped her. "Don't I? Let's see Isabel. You feel…guilty, for letting Tess in. At the beginning, when we didn't know if Tess was Nasedo, or even if she was an alien at all. Then you feel guilty that you let her near Max. Because of what it did to him and Liz. And you feel guilty for saving her that time. When Whitaker had her. You think, 'maybe, if I hadn't of saved her that night, maybe none of this would of happened'.

Then, the guilt comes again. Guilt that you broke up with me. 

Guilt that maybe if we had been together, Tess wouldn't have had the opportunity to do what she did. Guilt, and pain and anger, and betrayal, and every other emotion that you can't even put into words, they are all coursing through you Isabel, and you have to stop it! Before it stops you." 

Isabel stared. Everything he had said was true, of course it was. But she couldn't think like that. She was scared that if she did…she would never stop. The tears started before she could stop them. It was true, it was all true. She felt angry, and betrayed, and afraid and in pain. But the guilt. The guilt was the worst.

__

She had persuaded the others to let Tess in. _She_ was the one who gave up Alex. _She_ was responsible for his death. Isabel crumpled to the ground, shaking and crying. She would never stop feeling like this. It would be with her always, a constant reminder of her crimes.

Alex went to her, and took her in his arms. Rocking her back and forth gently, he tried to reassure her.

"No Isabel. You _will_ stop feeling like this. You have to let go of all this. Talk to Max. Talk to Michael. Talk to _anyone_. But let someone be there for you Isabel. You need to."

Isabel nodded, her tears finally drying up. Her eyes were puffy and swollen, and Alex handed her a tissue from her bag. She sat back to wipe her eyes, and when she looked up to thank him…he was gone. She smiled to herself. She decided she would take Alex's advice. She would go home, confide in Max, and maybe…maybe things would get better. As she gathered her things and stood to leave, she heard Alex's voice. *Maybe they will*

Isabel's smile grew wider, and she left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Max lay on his bed, his hands clasped behind his head. He couldn't get her face out of his mind. Couldn't forget how she calmly admitted what she had done…_and expected him to be okay with it_. All because it had happened to benefit the aliens.

__

They could go home. But Alex….

Alex was _dead_. And he wouldn't be coming back. He remembered how sickened he was when he had discovered that Nasedo had killed. To find out that Tess had done it, in the aliens name…made it even worse. And now, she had their child. His mind was decided on that one. He _was_ going to find his child.

Just then, he heard a quick knock on his door, followed by Isabel. She looked….relieved. She sat down on the edge of the bed, as Max sat up. She looked deeply into his eyes, and told him. Everything she had felt, all the things she needed to get off her chest. 

Max was surprised. Isabel was telling him a lot. Telling him without realizing that she felt exactly like he did. As she finished, Max struggled with his emotions. He had told Isabel that she was his home.

That was true. But he didn't want to burden her. As if reading his thoughts, Isabel put her hand on her brother's arm. "Max. You mean the world to me. You've helped me just by listening. I'd like to do the same. I know you probably don't want to burden me. But I want to help you. Please Max."

Max looked at her. Tentatively at first, he began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Liz was tired. Tired physically, and most definitely tired mentally. As she lay in bed, praying that sleep would come, her thoughts turned to the others. She wondered how they would ever make things right. Her mind drifted back to Alex, and she felt the threat of tears. Fighting them back, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, and tried to sleep.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

She knew she was dreaming. It was the only explanation. She was sitting in Alex's bedroom. Alex was on the bed, strumming his guitar while talking on the phone. Liz looked around. When this had actually taken place, Maria had been next to her, and they had been exchanging looks of amusement at Alex trying pitifully to _not_ give in to Isabel.

He had succeeded that time. *The last time*, Liz's mind screamed to her. Alex replaced the phone, and turned to her. 

"Hey Liz. It's good to see you. How have you been?", he finished with a smile. Liz was stunned. She briefly thought about running, but figured that if it were a dream, it wouldn't hurt to go along.

"I'm , … yeah, I'm not too good Alex."

He looked at her in sympathy. "Yeah, I kinda thought you wouldn't be. But you have to put that aside Liz. Focus on what's important."

Liz stared at him. In a voice choked with tears, she said, "You're_ dead!_ That's what's important Alex. Nothing else."

Alex put his guitar down, and approached Liz. "No Liz", he replied gently. "You said it yourself. What's important is that you all stick together. You lost one friend, do you really want to lose more?"

Liz started to cry. "How? How do you know that?"

He smiled. "I'm you. Your subconscious, your hidden needs, however that impressive scientist brain of yours wants to rationalise it."

He moved closer and hugged her. "However you want to put it Liz, I'm here to say goodbye. You know it's the right thing to do. So you can move on and help the others." He looked down at her. "Do you think you can do that Liz?"

She looked up at him, desperate to tell him that she couldn't. Wouldn't. But that ever logical part of her nodded her head.

"Good. Now, about Isabel. Is it a 'Treat 'em mean and keep 'en keen' kinda situation?"

Liz smiled, and was about to answer when everything went dark. 

Liz woke, crying Alex's name. As her breathing slowed, she thought it over.

*It was a dream*, she realized. It must have been. No matter how real it had felt, no matter how badly she wanted it to be real…it was a dream.

The tears came again. Tears of frustration, and anger and pain. She realized that she wasn't going to get to sleep again tonight, so she got up. She got out her journal and pen. Pausing to gather her thoughts, she tried to decide what to write. Subject picked, she began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were here again. Everything was the same. The three aliens occupied one side of the booth, the three humans the other. Valenti had again taken his perch on a stool. 

Liz again surveyed the people gathered. Isabel and Max still looked uncomfortable, but the pain and anger she had sensed from them before, had dissipated slightly.

Liz took this as a good sign, and plunged on. 

"Okay. I've called you all here for a reason. The reason being; we are falling apart. We should be pulling together at a time like this. Not pushing each other away."

She looked around to gauge their reactions. They were all listening, so she took it as a good sign and got ready to plunge on.

Before she could however, Isabel spoke up.

"I agree. I've had a lot to think about. And I've come to the conclusion that we're letting guilt rule our lives. I've felt guilty ever since I found out about Tess. Guilty for introducing her to the group. Guilty for not seeing what she was doing to Max. Guilty for pushing Alex away. Guilty for not believing he had been murdered. Guilty for not knowing that it was Tess who had done it. I feel like I let everyone down. Like I was focused on things that weren't important. These feelings have been allowed to control me for too long. I've come to realize that nothing short of a crystal ball would have been able to prevent this. Everyone made his or her own choices. Nothing can change that. We have to deal with it and move on."

She finished with a determined look around the table that included everyone. Liz looked at her in amazement. Max looked at her with love. He spoke next.

"I've felt that way too. Guilty for believing her and accepting her. I spent a lot of time with her. I feel like I should have known. I feel guilty and stupid for ever getting involved with her. And something else. I feel guilty for not being able to deal with her when we found out the truth."

He looked around the table. Liz reached across and clasped his hand. "You can't feel guilty for not being able to kill like she did. That's not you Max."

Max smiled gratefully. He decided to continue while he still had the courage. "I also feel. …Guilt and anger and disgust at my people. How they could do things like that. Even if it was to benefit our race. The taking of an innocent life is unjustifiable. Then I think of my powers. And I hope that in some small way I can make up for it."

Everyone looked at Max and Isabel, startled by their honesty.

But nothing could have startled them more than when Kyle spoke up.

"None of you are as guilty as me."

He turned his horrified gaze to them. "I watched her kill Alex. I carried his _body_. It's my fault. I could have stopped her. Or exposed her. I should have done something."

His eyes dropped back to his hands, which were clasped together tightly on the table. He only looked up when he felt a gentle, but strong hand on his shoulder.

He looked into the eyes of his father. "No Kyle. It's no more your fault than any of us here. Isabel is right. People, whether they be from an alien planet or not, make their own decisions. You can't stop that." Valenti struggled for the right words. It had been hell watching Kyle punish himself for no reason. It was time to end it, now.

He turned to the others. "That goes for everyone. None of you should be punishing yourselves. You should all be helping each other out. I hope you'll pull together."

They all sat in silence. Michael and Maria looked at each other. Maria squeezed Michael's hand.

Michael got the message. "Hey", he spoke up. "Remember the time that Alex did that strip tease for Isabel?"

He got the reaction he had hoped for as everyone broke out into a grin. Everyone, that is except the 

Sheriff. "Do I really want to hear about this?"

They turned their grins to him, and each took turns recounting the details of that particular exploit and many more.

As they all talked, they couldn't help but feel a lot better. Things were definitely improving. 

The Sheriff looked around and saw six remarkable kids. And couldn't have felt more proud that he knew them.

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End file.
